Saturday, September 20, 2008

Train accident

“Give me back my toy gun!” shouted Tommy as he weaved in and out of the crowd, trying to catch Fienze. “I’ll give it to you over my dead body!” Fienze screamed over the hubbub. It was six o’clock, the peak and rush hour at the MRT station. Fienze and Tommy were waiting for their parents to arrive at Yishun MRT station. Meanwhile, the energetic boys started playing a game of catch.

“Passengers, for your own safety, please stand behind the yellow line.” A voice droned over the speakers. Too engrossed in their game of ‘catch’ to heed the advice that droned on the speaker, Tommy continues chasing after Fienze. Fienze too continued scrambling through the legs and bags of the passengers. Just as Tommy was about to pounce on Fienze, Fienze saw an opening in the crowd. He raced through it. At that moment, he felt weightless, as if he was walking on the moon. He looked down and to his horror, he realized that he was air-borne. In an instant, he fell onto the tracks with a sickening thud.

“Fienze!” Tommy shouted, stricken with fear. Panic engulfed Tommy as he saw Fienze helplessly on the tracks. “Hold on to my hand!” screamed Tommy. Every time Fienze tried to catch hold of Tommy’s hands, he could not reach Tommy’s hands by an inch. Help was so near yet it seems so far.

The tracks began vibrating. The train had appeared from a bend. A gasp was issued from the crowd. “Quick! Grab hold of my hand now!” exclaimed Tommy. Trembling, Fienze tried to reach for the hand that was right above him. More hands appeared as a few young men bent down to help him.

There was a sudden blaring of a horn. The train thundered closer and closer. Fienze frantically tried to reach the hands above him but to no avail. The headlights of the train were now a sea of white. “Jump!” someone shouted from the crowd, but Fienze did not move a single inch. Bang! There was a deafening loud bang as the train hit Fienze. “AHHH” a scream erupted from Fienze. “Nooo!” screamed Tommy, “no! Not Fienze!”


As the train departed from the station, the body of Fienze lay on the tracks, as lifeless as a doll. Suddenly, sirens could be heard. One of the on-lookers had phoned the ambulance. Fienze was sent to the hospital. Five minutes later, Tommy and Firenze’s parents were pacing up and down the corridor of the hospital anxiously, muttering prayers under their breath. The doctors came out of the surgery room. His face told it all-Fienze was dead. Tears streamed down Tommy‘s eyes. No words could express his agony.

If only he had not played with Fienze…If only they had not meet at the MRT station. If only……

4 comments:

mic' PUNKed said...

u should explain how FIENZE gt on the tracks.. cuz u suddenly say he on the tracks..

YHLin said...

hi, amanda, i'm hweelin. i remember you telling me to help you edit your compo and here I am.

To improvise:
1)you can describe more about the feelings of fienze and Tommy when they are running after each other.
2) Include more thoughts of Tommy when he saw Fienze on the tracks.
3) You should put a flashback at the beginning because your ending doesn't sort of link to your beginning.

tsooc said...

Dear Amanda,

Great story. I really enjoyed reading it. Agree with Hwee Lin on the points too. Do look out for your story in our main blog. Well done.

YHLin said...

amanda, is the character 'Fienze' is linked to the character 'Firenze' in Harry Potter??


h.lin